Amanda's Final Fan Fiction

PAIN

Karen looked around.

Coloured lights flashing. Loud music blaring. Bodies moving rhythmically to the beat. She felt hot. Flushed. Her heart beat wildly in her chest. She felt clammy. Thirsty. Her head hurt. Her teeth kept grinding together and her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. She couldn't swallow, her nose and back of her throat were numb, as were her front teeth.

She was fidgety. She wanted another hit. Another line. Anything to make her forget. What was it that he had said? She couldn't remember just now. The cocaine made her numb.

THINK! She couldn't. Her hands were twitching, palms sweating. She looked at the table. Several perfect 6cm white lines of powder neatly in a row and a rolled up dollar bill. She took the make shift straw and put it in her nose, snorting two of the white lines.

Karen van der Beek

Ah, that's better. Her heart began to race even more. She could no longer sit still. She looked to Derek. Derek who she only met tonight. Derek who she was relying on to take her pain away. But he was too busy chatting to someone over the back of the seat in the booth next to them.

Hank was gone. Becca too. She was ruined. Her world torn apart. It was too much for her to bare. How did it come to this?

It was Hank who was out of control. Hank who was the addict. Drugs, sex, alcohol. That was Hank's thing. But then he got clean. He got sane. And he got himself as far away from her as possible, taking their daughter with him. Back to New York. Back home. Back to where they first started, leaving her all alone in L.A.

Karen needed a drink. Something to take the edge off. She grab the bottle of champaign from the ice bucket next to the table, poured herself a glass and quickly sculled it back. She did this a second time, feeling the warmth of alcohol spread through her.

She never meant to go this far. She never meant to loose herself like this. She just wanted to show Hank what he was doing to her and Becca and give him back some of his own. She only meant to go out, go wild for a week or two until Hank came to his senses. And to that end she had certainly succeeded.

He went cold turkey, sobered up, changed his life. And the irony? She couldn't stop. She had become the addict.

It was just such a good antidote to the pain. All the pain and emotional turmoil that life had put her through.

But now she had lost them both. And herself.

AARRGH! She shook her head. Stop thinking about it! She stood up, unsteady on her feet, not knowing where she was going. She suddenly had to get out of this place. She was beginning to feel claustrophobic, the walls had started to close in. But she didn't want to leave. She didn't want to be alone.

YOU ARE ALONE! She told herself. SO UTTERLY AND MISERABLY ALONE. A VICTIM OF YOUR OWN GAME PLAYING. A GAME YOU PLAYED AND LOST!

Becca and Hank Moody

Karen stumbled to the bathroom. She need some peace. She was feeling incredibly nauseous. She went to the mirror and stared at her reflection. Her mascara had run. She looked like shit. Her nose had begun to bleed. FUCK I'M A MESS! I MESSED UP! OH FUCK!

She turned on the tap and tried to clean up herself up. Her nausea was getting worse and her head was dizzy. She clutched onto the edges of the sink, put her head down watching the water whirlpool down the plughole. The ends of her hair were getting wet. She didn't care.

Suddenly the room started to spin and Karen threw up. Beads of sweat formed all over her body. She tried to keep herself propped up on the sink, but she couldn't hold her weight. She slid to the floor as she vomited again, her body trembling.

She curled up into a tight ball on the floor. She couldn't breath. Her nose was bleeding profusely. “Help! Somebody please..” She tried to to call out, but her voice came out a whisper. It's all she could muster.

She began silently sobbing to herself. Images of Hank floated through her mind. There had been so much love, once. There had always been laughter. She always believed they would get back together, grow old together, once Hank sorted his shit out.

And Becca, oh God, beautiful Becca, the product of their love. She had always thought she'd been a good mother to her. They were each other's anchor while Hank was off sleeping around, partying, neglecting them.

But none of that mattered now. Karen was writhing on the bathroom floor, shaking, frothing at the mouth. She realised she had overdosed. But she was helpless. She had tunnel vision, the room was darkening.

She began to loose consciousness. Suddenly, she remembered what Hank had said before he left.

"I can't bare to watch you be who I was. I have failed you. You have failed me. We only hurt each other. So we obviously can't be together. Ever.”

Karen's heart ached with pain. Everything went black. Her body stilled as a single tear fell down her cheek.

THE END